Bless Me Father...

Oh, do I have a mountainous load of confession stored up. A dear friend recently said during a meeting "I woke up on Saturday and thought I was normal." I did just that. I decided that my trip and my family were at the top of my priority list and I DID NOT WANT TO THINK ABOUT FOOD. So, I ate whatever I wanted, when I wanted, and for someone like me, that is dangerous territory. I'm even blogging this before I have a sit down with my sponsor. But, make no mistake, I'm not sitting around crying about it. It happened. The sun still came up today.

Funny thing about food addiction...I don't think our society looks upon it as addiction. We're encouraged by marketing tactics to eat to soothe ourselves, eat to celebrate, eat, eat, eat. It's not illegal. A lot of times it doesn't even cause us to get sick. But those who deal with food addiction on a daily basis will tell you it is like being chained to a runaway train. The cycles of eating can be so frustrating while you are thinking that you are soothing yourself. It is indeed cunning, baffling and most of all, POWERFUL. My brain simply doesn't have the ability to shut off the food thoughts.

I was using a secondary program to help me with portion control. That became so overwhelming! In addition to monitoring my regular food intake and avoiding my binge foods, I was recording all my foods and exercise and it became a regimen that was too restricting. I had to let it go, which in turn made me feel a bit of a failure, but I am not. I simply can not use that secondary program. I lose focus on my steps and the constant monitoring leads me to be rebellious. I'll stick to my meetings and concentrate on my spiritual growth, thank you very much. I can not do this alone, nor can I do it without my higher power. Am I a strong person? Sure. Do I need the support of my group? Without a doubt. Can I do it alone? No, and I don't want to.

Today I pray the prayer of one humbled by her own stupidity, and gather the strength to move forward. Rest is much needed. The trip was as smooth as it could have possibly been. My grandpa continues to gain strength and mental stability (amazing what 3 meals a day will do for you, grandpa. Insulin dependent diabetics can not get away with only snacking!). I'm sure I will return in the coming weeks, as we, together with grandpa, continue to make decisions about some things. Lord rain down your mercies. They are new every morning!